Acknowledging Anger With God

Today's guest post by Maggie...and I'm so glad she did. Some really amazing insight that I know is important for us all to hear...and feel our way through.

Several wise people in my life, along with me noticing a rather draining and sad pattern in my walk with Christ, keep pointing to one thing: I'm angry with God.

But every time I've arrived at this conclusion, whether by myself or by someone who loves me, I sit and think, "Ok, so I exhibit all the signs of someone who is angry with/at God...I don't feel any anger. Why would I be angry? Who am I to be angry against the Creator and Sustainer of the universe? No, I'm not angry. I've just been lazy in doing my part. Shame on me."

So I write it off, and with my ever famous (and often destructive) attitude of self-well, I continue down the path, only to get distracted and frustrated again a short time later.

Today, while reading a book called "Embracing Biblical Love" by Nancy Groom, the author boldly shares a recent journal entry of hers, in which she realized what anger with God really looked like. It stopped me dead in my tracks. The bold is my emphasis, not the authors, as an indicator of where it really hit home.

"My anger against God doesn't feel like I thought it would. I thought I'd feel deep rage and an overwhelming desire to hurt Him. Instead I find just a deep complaint, a nagging self-pity, a free-floating dissatisfaction with life and relationships, a quiet conviction that I deserve something better, a profound absence of genuine gratitude for God's gifts, a deep belief that I don't need a Savior (I've done quite well at living the Christian life without much help from God or anyone else), and an appalling lack of love for inner connectedness with God. That angry arrogance shrouds my soul and I am helpless to remove it. If God does not break in, I am undone. I can only ask-petition-beg for grace...and at the same time wonder whether I even want or need it. How profound my rage must be! Deep within is a core of hardness and self-sufficiency, an inner stronghold of resistance to grace that frustrates me as surely as it must grieve the Father. Whatever it is, I love its safety more than I want God right now."

Wow. While what Groom has to share does not solve my problems, there is freedom in finding someone else's words that explain thoughts and feelings that so profoundly summarize what I couldn't express. The conviction was heavy, but God's love for me in revealing my sad state couldn't have come at a more perfect time. His time. Lately I've been trying to fix it. With people, things, and places. With reading the Bible more, with gossiping less, with trying to be a better friend, with entertaining myself through hobbies and interests.

Yet when I finally broke down in my grueling state of frustrated prayers, when my self sufficiency again ran out of fuel, and I cried out that I didn't know why I didn't love and want God more, He heard the scared, lonely child who just wanted to find her way back Home; and I heard a Father who had long since been waiting to show me the way.

I thought you might appreciate this because as a woman in today's culture, it is often drilled into us that we do have to be everything to everyone, and that we can only really depend on our own strength and ability to get it done! The message that "self sufficiency is the only sure way" is all too prevalent in our culture, and when waiting on God doesn't yield the results we want right away, it's an easy lie to buy! I thought you might appreciate the reminder and live today in the freedom of knowing it's ok to not be enough, because Jesus is. And it's ok to not have it all figured out either, because He will guide you if you seek Him.

Praying that He gives you the strength and conviction to keep you moving forward in your relationship with Him, while having the patience to wait on Him at the same time, no matter how crazy or broken things may seem.